Jul 9, 2021
To My Last Baby As You Turn 1,
Time has proved to be my nemesis when it comes to you. Knowing that you are my last baby, I had every intention of slowing down & enjoying each moment with you. But it didn’t work, time still flew by.
I can still remember the very first time I held you like it was yesterday – your warmth as you lay on my arms, how smooth your skin was as I run my fingers through your cheeks, how excited I was seeing your precious newborn face that I’ve been longing to see for 9 months, and how complete I felt right at that moment. You and me… finally together. It’s hard to imagine that that was 12 months ago.
And now, 12 months later, you’re officially a toddler.
The past 12 months have been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. My heart has never been so confused.
Every milestone that you hit, even though makes me so happy, also makes my heart ache more and more, because it marks another first that will be my last.
Never again will I see your first smile, hear your first giggle, hear the first time you said “mama”, feel the happiness as you excitedly crawl towards me for the first time, feel the joy in playing our first peek-a-boo. When you took your first steps a few weeks ago, although I rejoiced & celebrated, my heart sank secretly. Because I knew right then and there, your infancy is almost gone.
So whenever I got a chance to be with you, I held you a little longer, I hugged you a little tighter, I played with you a little sillier, I study every inch of you a little harder so I don’t forget how you look right at that moment, and I savored breathing you in when you let me. Because I know every moment I have with you is fleeting.
I thought I knew everything I need to know about raising you. After all, I already did it with your older siblings. But nothing has prepared me in raising you, my last baby. Nobody told me that it’s going to be this hard emotionally.
Don’t get me wrong. I am absolutely excited to see all the amazing things you will do. I truly am.
I am excited to see you smile when I tell you I love you. I can’t wait to have my little conversations with you. I am looking forward to all the fun things we will do together and all the memories we will make. But right now, there’s just that gentle agony as you grow faster than I can keep up with.
I guess that’s why all the baby gears you have outgrown are still scattered around the house. I can’t bring myself to pack them up because my heart just isn’t ready.
One day, I will muster up the courage to pack all the clothes, toys, & gears you have outgrown. One day, my heart will no longer secretly ache when you reach another milestone.
But until then, please let me hold on to & soak in every little bit of infancy that you have left. And if you see me crying, just give me some time to take some deep breaths & wipe away my tears.
Soon enough I’ll have the strength to let go of your infancy that I’ve been so desperately hanging on.
I love you so much! More than you will ever know. More than I ever thought I could.
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